Runnerville

In 2005 I zigged and zagged my way across the country, documenting the lifestyle and training of some of the top collegiate XC programs. chasingTRADITION was my first blogumentary, before I even knew what a blogumentary was. It was a lot of fun and - looking back - was probably the springboard to my career as a…whatever it is that I do.

chasingTRADITION was an experiment. I did some things well and some things poorly. I learned what worked and what didn’t. One thing that worked really well was giving Stamos an audience. Through his Outkicked! columns and Public Service Announcements, Stamos burst onto the scene. But his 15 minutes of fame expired with the NCAA XC Championships - also known as The End of chasingTRADITION. But Stamos and I stayed in touch. We wrote long letters. We sent text messages with smiley faces. We even clinked glassed at the LetsRun.com after party in New York City. And so it’s with great pride - and laughter - that I present to you:

The Return of Stamos!

To get you up to speed, I beg to you take a few minutes to watch the following Public Service Announcements from Stamos’s heyday at chasingTRADITION. Then read his first column for Runnerville: Ten Fundamental Truths About You (A Runner)

PSA #1

PSA #2

PSA #3

PSA #4

PSA Out-takes

Now, for the return of Stamos and his column, Outkicked!

Ten Fundamental Truths About You (A Runner)

10. You are obsessive.
Every single runner possesses this trait to some degree. We all want to know exactly how far our run was. Some of us will actually go back and drive it with our car. Because the training log has to be perfect, precise. Each day filled in with distance and time and weather and feelings and… well, you know what I’m talking about.

I think its very telling that runners will spend lots of money on heart rate monitors and speed distance monitors. I mean, yeah, those things are good training tools and all that, but what they really are is a way for us to know things. Exactly how far we ran, precisely what our heart rate is. Only true obsessives would consider going for runs on days when its hailing and there is a hurricane warning, but most runners do it without batting an eye. I just saw an article about a guy that ran every day for 38 years. Like I said, obsessive.

9. No one will understand you. Ever.
It’s that simple. People don’t get running. Ok, other runners get running. Maybe I should have said “No one will understand you, aside from other runners. Ever.” but that doesn’t sound as definitive and absolute, and absolutes are fun. Regardless, people don’t get you. They don’t get why you get up early to squeeze a run in before work. They don’t get why you like being sweaty. They don’t get the satisfied feeling of slumping on your front steps on a 90 degree day when you just hammered the last mile of a six-mile run. They don’t get you.

The worst part is, even when someone can accept you for what you do, they still don’t get the sport. How many times have you told someone your PR and got a blank look. Unless you’re a miler, and then they can contextualize it in terms of gym class (“I ran 6:05 back in 4th grade and you run a 4:09?! Wow! You must be the fastest guy in the world!”). If you run any other event, however, you’re screwed. Never mind that you might be world-class in your event, you will never get recognized for it without a lengthy explanation on your part which ultimately means that you are in fact recognizing yourself.

For example, you’re at a party. One of those boring ones with turtle necks and wine that costs more than five dollars a bottle and food that is hard to pronounce. Someone asks what kind of time you run and you say 13:15. Invariably, you will get the polite widening of eyes and some approving nods, which are intended to feign understanding (instead of the appropriate response of, “Holy crap dude, that’s fantastic! Where’d you run that? Huesden? Zurich?”). They follow the nodding up with some tacky quip about them not being able to drive their car as… but you’ve heard that one before. Because people don’t get you, remember?

8. Your body knows no limits.
I don’t mean this in some pseudo-philosophical way, like the way people talk about Pre. I mean this in a very practical way. I think that people who become runners, people who are drawn to the sport, all share the specific characteristic of missing the little part of your brain that tells you when to stop. The time I spent with my teammates, in college and after, was always a study in excesses. We binge ate. We binge drank. We binge played video games. We binge slept. And obviously we binge ran.

Let’s face it, our daily athletic pursuit is typically far in excess of normal. 10-mile tempos aren’t normal, 8x quarter with a minute rest sure as hell ain’t normal. Is that behavior really any different from eating four entrées in the cafeteria or playing Halo for five and half hours? And it’s not just me and the people I know; almost every runner I’ve ever been around has displayed similar characteristics. Runners don’t know when to, nor do they like to, stop.

7. Your PR will increase with age.
Really they do. One reason is that with time, many of us start to forget our precise pr’s and round to the nearest whole minute (sure I ran one minute for the 800! And we didn’t have those fancy rocket powered spikes you kids have these days!). This is often unintentional, and easily forgiven. There are those however, who lie about their pr’s with a purpose, especially as they get further away from when the race occurred. This is both pathetic and pathological and there is special hell (I believe it’s the “chaffed nipples” hell) waiting for you.

The main reason, however, that pr’s increase with age is what I call the “wine effect”. What the wine effect tells us is that, thirty years ago some unwashed hippie stomped the living hell out of a bunch of grapes, let the juice sit out until it went bad, put it in a bottle and sold it for $20. Now let’s say you bought that bottle thirty years ago and drank it immediately. It tasted like purple flavored rubbing alcohol because it hadn’t matured yet. You wasted $20. Now let’s instead say you bought that bottle of wine thirty years ago and didn’t open it until today. Now it tastes delicious, with complex notes of smoke and citrus fruits and chrysanthemums, and the briefest hint of chicory. It’s a great wine. On the other hand you’re out $700 because that sumbitch was worth a lot of money now. But I digress.

The wine effect applies to pr’s as well. If you run 15:30 when you’re 22 years old, it’s an ok pr, nothing to write home about. But 40 years later when you’re running in the Podunk Plum Festival and Jamboree 5k, and the guy with the back hair and headband next to you wishes you luck and asks what your pr is… 15:30 suddenly carries a whole lot more weight.

6. You are an exhibitionist.
I’m kind of stealing this one from Bill Cosby (ok, I’m completely ripping him off), but it is absolutely true. Runners love to show off their bodies. Running around in short shorts with no shirt on isn’t absolutely necessary from a performance standpoint. It’s necessary from an “I’m skinny and in shape whereas your fat-ass needs a shoe horn to get in and out of that Hummer” standpoint.

We like people to stare. We like people to honk and shout. Regardless of what they’re shouting (let’s assume its “Run Forrest, Run”, and let me add, I applaud your creativity), the fact remains that they are shouting. This means they’ve noticed and acknowledged our existence. In a culture growing increasingly overweight and out of shape, when we make people look at us we are guilting them into getting the large fries instead of the super size. It’s a start.

5. Friday Night Lights is the best show on television and doesn’t deserve to be canceled.
This has nothing to do with running. I just thought it needed to be said. Does Ben Silverman read this website?

4. Your shoes are worn out.
I’ve worked in several specialty running stores off and on over the last seven years. I know a fair amount about running shoes and the people that buy them. Believe me when I tell you - your shoes are worn out. If I had a nickel for every person that has come into the store, shown me a pair of running shoes that appear to have been used to storm the beaches of Normandy, complain about sore shins and knees and then ask me if I think they need new shoes… well, I’d have a lot of nickels.

Look, running shoes are made out of rubber (to put it simply), not titanium (those are your golf clubs). Rubber breaks down, and rather quickly at that. If you’re running even a few days a week your shoes are going to crap out in under six months and if you’re training seriously, you’re probably blowing through those things in a month or two. You can get immediate relief from most running ailments by replacing those worn out running shoes.

Don’t be cheap; running is a sport with very few investments. Replace your shoes. Which brings me to my next truth…

3. You’re cheap.
Don’t ask me why because I don’t know. But honestly… bitching about 10 dollar entry fees for races? Going crazy at all you can eat buffets? Taking as many free bagels and bananas from the post-race recovery area? Hoarding free race t-shirts and wearing them until you can see through them? Saving old running shoes because they might have a few runs left in them? Dude, you’re cheap.

2. There is always someone working harder than you.
Now don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not implying that you’re lazy. What I’m referring to is a particular mental/emotional quirk of our sport. As far as all runners are concerned, there is always someone working harder than you. Many of us use it as a motivational tool. I remember going on easy runs in cold driving rain in college because I knew the guys from Villanova were out doing theirs. Then we’d show up at Big East and blow those pansies off the track, so I guess they really weren’t out there in the rain too, but whatever.

Even when it’s probably not true, it’s true. Find me some Ethiopian that’s running 150 miles a week and working two jobs and commuting by foot, and I’ll bet even he thinks that there is someone out there working harder than he is. Most of the time this is a totally harmless belief and can in fact push us to new heights, but occasionally it will make you go barking mad and start eating only lettuce and working out three times a day. Don’t do that. But do accept the fact that there is always someone working harder than you. Maybe it’s an illusion, maybe not.

Runners are always watching what other runners are doing, and most of the time we don’t have all the facts. You hear that one of your competitors did a morning track workout and then went for a ten-miler that night. Crap, you say to yourself, that guy is working harder than me. Possibly. On the other hand, maybe he’s going to spend the next day at SeaWorld with his girlfriend so he wanted to get his mileage in ahead of time. You never know. The point, however, is that whether it is a self-created fiction or actual reality, there is always someone working harder than you.

1. You are part of a community.

Running is unlike any other sport I’ve been around when it comes to having a sense of identity with total strangers. On a daily basis I will nod or give a little wave or receive one in return when I pass someone on the trails. Wherever I am, I always seem to notice people out on a run and feel a small surge of pride because they’re doing the same thing that I do.

We’re all looking for something in this world to identify with, and being a runner comes with a built in peer network. Lets be honest, without the running community, where would all the obsessive, misunderstood, boundless, cheap exhibitionists go? But you already knew you were welcome here.

Because you’re a runner too.

• The Toni & Matt Show #17 - Vin Lananna - July 9th, 2008
• LetsRun.com Eugene '08 - June 30th, 2008
• The Toni & Matt Show #16 - June 17th, 2008
• USOC to USATF: Change Now! - June 14th, 2008
• The Toni & Matt Show #15 - June 11th, 2008