Runnerville

It’s a dog eat dog world out there. You’ve surely heard this famous expression coined by (I’m guessing) Rudyard Kipling, but have you ever stopped to consider exactly what it means? It means that everyone has enemies. That’s right Santa, even you. So as a runner, who are the dogs out there that are trying to eat you? Well, for starters… dogs.

11. Dogs

How many times have you been out for a run on your favorite bike path when you come across the lady with the two ankle-biters on what seems to be eight leashes? Sure she’s running off to the side of the path, but Cutsie and Wootsie are ranging all over the damn place and just when you think you’ve got a clear shot one of them darts under foot, making you lunge out of the way lest you get Pomeranian all over the bottom of your shoe. Even worse is when you’re on a trail and you come across some unleashed, overly friendly pony whose owner is trying to pass off as a “dog” and the beast chases you for three quarters of a mile before giving up to go knock down a small child.

10. New Running Shoes

They look so innocent, sitting there all white and clean, just begging to be run in. Don’t be fooled. There are few forces capable of making you run faster than you have any business running. They feel so soft and light, like the dreams of angels, and the next thing you know you’re slumped over your front steps dry heaving into the bushes. They’re sometimes accompanied by their henchmen Blisters and Sticker Shock.

9. Hot Girls

You’re at the end of a tough long run. You’re pretty much at the point of putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that it translates into forward motion, when off in the distance you see Helen of Troy in running shorts. Immediately you drop to tempo pace, your formerly ragged breathing becomes controlled and effortless. The rictus grin you’d been sporting moments earlier is now a look of bemused detachment. This running thing is just what I do for a lark between solving world hunger and summiting Kilimanjaro. As soon as she’s passed you collapse to the ground in a twitching heap, having effectively ruined your run. But it was worth it because she totally checked you out. Probably.

8. Hills

Stupid hills with their taunting summits and soul-crushing, calf-demolishing inclines. Why do they make me want to attack them with a zeal that I no longer have, leaving me crawling the last ten meters and then shuffling down the other side? If it wasn’t for sledding I’d say they’re totally and completely worthless. God-forbid a Hill and a Hot Girl join forces. You might as well kiss your ass goodbye; you’ll be limping for weeks.

7. Low-hanging Tree Branches

This might just be a personal problem of mine. Moving on.

6. Cyclists

They’re always flying by, giving you the stank-eye for running on “their” bikepath. They have the uncanny knack of passing you coming from both directions at the same time, meaning that one of them is forced to come with inches of giving you a handlebar enema. Not to mention their smug, brightly colored outfits advertising weird European companies. We get it dude, you shave your legs because it’s “aerodynamic”. Now get out of my way before I’m forced to employ this stick in the same manner Indiana Jones did against those motorcycle-riding Nazis.

5. Oprah

Are we still blaming her for unleashing the hordes of 7-hour marathoners upon the unsuspecting public? I don’t want to say that it demeans the pursuit of competitive distance running, but the next time I’m buying a Clif Bar and Louie Anderson over here tells me that he’s a runner too, I may just switch to golf for good. At least the guys at the driving range don’t pretend like what they’re doing is just as meaningful as what Tiger does.

4. Men In Pickup Trucks

I grew up in the country and hardly a run went by that some mouthbreather in a pickup truck wouldn’t swerve towards me on the shoulder and then speed away cackling, while the knowledge that the South Will Rise Again taunted me from his bumper. Look man, I know that rubbin’ is racin’, but I’m neither the 88 car, nor are you Tony Stewart. So save your shouts of [word that rhymes with Romo] and [type of flower] and your unwelcome critique of my choice of apparel. Just get on home; that sheep isn’t going to make sweet, sweet love to itself, now is it?

3. Other Runners

Who are you? Why are you passing me wearing your 20-year old Asics and cotton long-sleeve that says “North Dakota X-C Champs 1947”? Don’t you know who I am, how fast I’ve run? Now I’m going to have to run harder to pass you back. I mean, I was just out on an easy run, but hey, it’s your funeral buddy. Yep, gonna reel you right in, make you regret your decision to even lace those shoes up today. Huh. That’s weird. You’re still pulling away from me. What? No, I was totally going to turn off here anyway. Really.

2. Your Ipod Shuffle

Few things will torpedo your run faster than a bad song coming up on your Shuffle. You’re clicking along at a nice pace feeling good and suddenly “Brick” by Ben Folds Five comes on. Before you can frantically stab at the skip button your gait has slowed, you’re feeling melancholy as hell and you just went to step out into traffic.

1. Regular Running Routes

Nothing, and I mean nothing, will take you down faster than a Regular Running Route. You’re out for an easy run, minding your own business when you happen to notice that you passed the pizza joint 30 seconds faster than usual. The next thing you know you’re stepping down the pace, checking your watch at every possible landmark and full-on kicking down the street to dive at your mailbox like an NCAA title is on the line. You might have run a personal best for that loop, but don’t plan on walking for the next week.

Stamos is a runnerville.com contributing writer. Aside from bears, he has no natural enemies.

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